I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
