my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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