my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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