I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
