You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
