Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
