First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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