you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
