turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
