I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
