Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
