her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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