Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
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so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
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Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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