I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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