Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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