You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
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I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
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You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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