I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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