i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
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