I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
