All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
