Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
