I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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