I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
