You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
