mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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