if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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