no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
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He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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