My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize