nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
why is half of my head shaved?
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