I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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