I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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