i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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