Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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