I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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