oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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