We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
