State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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