i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
