Having a random hookup so left but love u
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
