life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
false alarm. still invincible.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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