When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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