I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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