Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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