Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
