I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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