I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
