Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
