hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
