I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
