im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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