she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
