3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
