She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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