yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you