Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye