so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
We have so much sex to catch up on
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
