someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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