My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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