How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
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Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
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I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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