More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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