Don't make out with my wife yet
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
